Someone once prophesied that a difficult time was lying ahead, maybe the most difficult time I’ve ever experienced. How is that encouraging, I cried out inside as I was undergoing a season that felt unbearable. And here I am, in that most difficult time. A time stretched out thin over knocking bones and a fluttering heart, spanning the expanse of months, years.
There’s a verse in Psalm 23 that talks about how God prepares a table before us in the presence of our enemies in the valley of the shadow of death. How can there be feasting during a time of trial, in the presence of death? I know it is possible because I have experienced this. It is when I am still before God and get a glimpse of who He is. I have been the happiest and most free during these times which is glaringly apparent especially in the midst of spirits that try to burden and discourage me. There are times though when I forget to sit still or refuse to sit still and become almost engulfed in the shadows, my heart slowly hardening and thickening into something unrecognizable. But those times are few and brief because the Spirit refuses to let go of what we’ve built. It is God’s grace that keeps me from falling without a trace; it is God’s grace that keeps me going and filling me with the love I so hunger for.
The same person who prophesied this difficult season also prophesied the year before that I would come to know how to be content in any and every circumstance, like what Paul wrote of in the Book of Philippians. I believe this to be true. These past few months, I’ve been getting a good look at myself in the mirror and it isn’t pretty. The sins I’ve been repressing are seeping out, rising to the surface so that they can be wiped clean forever. No longer do I have to be crippled by them, afraid that they’ll be found out or give me away. Only God can take care of them, and taking care of them He’s doing.
In this process of facing myself, I’ve also been realizing my authority and power in Christ. I used to carry around with me a spirit of heaviness and a victim mentality, being so affected by other people to the point that they dictated who I was and how I felt. Now I understand that I’m not a victim. I have the power to either hurt or heal, discourage or encourage, destroy or build up. I have the power to remain intact even when assaulted by the Enemy, not just intact- but stronger and glorious. It’s His light that I carry and acts on the offense. It’s His light that chases away the darkness in an instance and laughs in the face of danger. I feast on my God; I feast and grow strong.