I haven’t been updating my blog because I’ve been writing more in my journal lately. I’ve been straying from using my computer (tires out my eyes) and succumbing to the thrill of scratching out letters of love with my 0.5 pentech in T’s moleskin journal he never used but spilled tea on. My favorite music to write to is Belle + Sebastian, and now I think I’ve found more music to write to. Sara Bareilles. J. just told me about her new album, and I’m listening to it on YouTube. What is it about rich slightly husky female vocals and acoustic guitars? It always makes me want to be more woman, more fighter, more life, more everything.
This afternoon I found out that a girl I grew up with in our LA church passed away from cancer. She was a year older than me and never married or had children. We were never friends but recently my sister and I had visited our church in LA and talked with her dad. That’s how we found out that she was living at home with cancer. I didn’t know what to say to him, but J. was so good at asking him questions that helped him to open up about it. You could tell he wanted to talk about it. He was wearing an apron, sitting across from us, and his eyes looked so sad, his voice trembling, and his heart fragile. I knew that he wanted to take his daughter’s place, to do anything except see her suffer. We had to use all our strength not to cry in front of him.
When I found out today over facebook, I cried and whimpered over their loss. I pounded my chest at the ache that was there and took deep breaths to make it go away. I prayed for her family, especially for her parents, that they turn to God for healing and draw closer to Him and His strength. I prayed that they be new kinds of leaders at their church who have a new kind of faith that has nothing to do with the kind of car you drive or what college your children go to, but declares the truth of who God is and His power to set people free. I prayed for protection from any spirits of heaviness and asked God to cover them with the love and blood of Jesus. I have hope for them, especially for her dad. What Korean dad sits there in an apron, totally vulnerable in front of two girls you knew as babies? I know God has great plans for them.
J. called right after I’d prayed and I told her the news, blubbering and crying all over again. She sounded worried but after we talked about it for a little while, we talked about something else and I was laughing for the next hour, the weight of it all lifted. I love my sister 🙂
T. and I were driving to Shanghai Dumpling King for dinner, and we both stared at the sky ahead. There were silvery clouds that rippled across a brilliant wash of pink and purple. It was marvelous. I knew that R. was up in heaven with her Maker and Father; I felt peace and a stillness come over me as we continued to drive toward the horizon.