“Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30
I have been living a defeated life, living under the yoke of my mother’s standards, or the standards of this world. In James 3 it talks about two different kinds of wisdom: 1) Earthly wisdom that is of the devil and unspiritual in which we harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in our hearts 2) Wisdom that comes from heaven and is pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Although I spent my childhood and young adulthood resisting my mom’s comparisons and word curses (“When will you do anything that makes me proud?”) that stemmed from her own hurts and attacked my self-esteem and self-worth, I have been affected more than I realized. I’ve allowed the identity of mediocrity creep into every part of my life and a self-condemnation for never being enough. There were many times I felt invisible to which I blamed society (white people) for marginalizing Asian Americans, but now I realize it was the lie I believed that I belonged in the shadows and had no right to speak or participate.
My whole life I knew deep inside that I was destined for greatness but at the same time, I didn’t want to be great according to the world’s standards because I saw nothing great about wealth or power or higher education. In these past few months, I have received powerful words of prophecy on three different occasions. In the first prophecy when God called me out, the first thing He said was “You’ve been waiting my daughter, haven’t you?” And I cried because He had felt the yearning in my heart to be the me He created me to be. P.C. laid hands on me, and God anointed me with gifts I never imagined I’d have. But instead of being eager to use these gifts to help others, I found myself full of pride (selfish ambition) and fear (the cause of bitter envy). I started imagining myself slaying demons and speaking boldly the Gospel, but then I started to feel fear of the unknown, fear of this sudden attention, fear of responsibility, and fear of failure. My dear friend, Hans, reminded me that perfect love casts out all fear. I knew that I wasn’t ready and could only turn to God, the One who loves me and to whom all glory is due.
Since the retreat, I’d been looking to my past hurts and asking Jesus to minister to me and heal those wounds. Last Friday when P.C. and my sisters prayed for me, it was a big revelation of what had been holding me back from living fully and from loving God without fear. He has been renewing and restructuring my mind. I’ve made the choice to live a life of victory in all areas of my life, because I am a daughter of God who is Maker of the Heavens and Earth, who is without limit, and who has given me eternal life and an untainted Love that is indestructible.
Last night I shared this with my small group, my voice cracking, tears streaming, and small sobs throbbing in my throat. Afterward, a mother shared how God had gently rebuked her at the revival for being too hard on her son. I cried because I saw my own mother’s heart in her- this desire to see her children be the best they can be and this feeling of pressure to push them to succeed. I love my mother and forgive her; I know she was struggling a lot while raising us up in a country not her own, and my heart aches for the hurt she carried and that I wasn’t aware of. But I praise God for how He’s been healing and transforming her these past several years. He is good.
While I was praying today, God told me that my brokenness is not in vain and that it will be used to reach other people who are oppressed by expectations and standards of this world. And I rejoiced with tears of joy, praising Him that my wounds can be used for His Kingdom- that they are not something meant to be hidden or ashamed of. My weakness is His Glory. I take Jesus Christ’s yoke which is easy and light because of His intimacy with God the Father and His complete obedience.