So I’ve been continuing to do inner healing on myself. I thought I had gotten a lot done the day after the retreat, but I recently realized, with the help of two sisters, that there’s still more to be done. I’ve been asking God for sensitivity to His voice alone during these sessions, and asking Him to take me back to events where I was hurt. During the past two sessions, He’d take me to a place where I was hurt, minister to me, and then take me to a place where I hurt someone else because of my hurt. Brilliant! In the places where I was hurt I cried and then I wept with joy when He ministered to me and spoke truth into the situations. And so when He showed me how I had hurt people close to me, I could relate to their pain and repented with uncontrollable sobs at the effects of my sin. That was when the spirits within me fled. Because Jesus ministered to me, I didn’t wallow in hopelessness for the people I had hurt but was comforted that He was taking care of them.
Through this, I’ve realized that children are vulnerable. Because they’re so new to the world, they’re especially sensitive and know immediately what’s wrong, unlike grownups who’ve become so dulled and calloused. One of my hurts where it all kind of started and collected other vices, was when I was in elementary school and felt betrayed by my “best” friend. She had claimed me as her best friend when I had frowned upon labels. But I gave it a try and even wore the necklace she’d bought me- it was half a heart that said Best Friends; she wore the other half. God took me to a scene where I was walking in line with a friend who wasn’t even that close, and I was complaining to her about this best friend relationship. Sometimes I just want to break this necklace and stomp on it and rip it apart, I said with passion. It was because she was always competing with me, asking me what I’d gotten on this project or that test. And I remember I used to sigh with exasperation and say, Why do you care? Why do you want to know? I just do, she’d say with an urgency. Even though our friendship seemed silly and normal, I knew in my heart that this wasn’t what a friendship really was supposed to be like. I remember even vowing after she’d moved away that I’d never have a best friend ever again. So while praying, I had to cancel that vow in the name of Jesus and claim Jesus as my Best Friend who never compares me with anyone else, never tears me down but only builds me up and loves me for who I am. Every time she competed with me, she was putting me down because the fact was that she was smarter than me. I’ve forgiven her because she was probably put under pressure by her parents and suffered scars from that.
When I watch the children at our church play, I’m aware of how each one might be feeling. There’s one who my heart goes out to because lately, she seems troubled. T. pointed out that it has to do with the dynamics with the other girls. There’s nothing I can do to take away that burden, but I know God has a plan for her and is protecting her. Just like He protected me from destruction throughout my life and then healed me when I seeked Him, I know He’ll do the same for her.